It is not my wish to offend anyone and I have sympathy with those who have mental health problems but the following made me smile . . .
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline . . .
- If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what to do next.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.
- If you are paranoid, the thing you are holding to your ear is armed and ready to blow.
- If you are Oedipal, your mother would like to speak with you - please stay on the line.