Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Fifty Sheds of Grey


50 Sheds of Gray

The novel ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts:-

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall . . . but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
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She stood before me, trembling in my shed. ‘I'm yours for the night,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando's.
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She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
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‘Put on this rubber suit and mask,’ I instructed, calmly. 
‘Mmmm, kinky!’ she purred. 
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.’
            *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘I'm a very naughty girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ‘Harder!’ 
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?’
    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Are you sure you can take the pain?’ she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 
‘I think so,’ I gulped.
 ‘Here we go, then,’ she said, and showed me the receipt.
               *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Hurt me!’ she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
‘Very well,’ I replied. ‘You've got fat ankles and no dress sense.’
             *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Are you sure you want this?’ I asked. ‘When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.’ 
She nodded. 
‘Okay,’ I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
              *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Punish me!’ she cried. ‘Make me suffer like only a real man can!’ 
‘Very well,’ I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
              *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,’ she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

13 comments:

  1. Well, I will say that your title got my attention......and the blog entry did not disappoint! What a 'blushing' hoot!! One of the most 'priceless' blog entries I have read in a while.

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  2. Yes, what an almighty hoot! I go along with Mary's comments entirely.

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  3. Hi Janice .. what a great post - made me laugh all the way through ... crumbs whatever next!! Bottoms and the garden ends will never be the same ..

    Well the hospital will be amused once you get there .. when that baby turns up ... good inducement post I think?!

    Cheers Hilary

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  4. The last one was my favourite, though they're all clever and witty. The spin offs from "that book" have been very creative: menopause, sheds - I wonder what'll be next!

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  5. I love Fifty Sheds. Been following him on Twitter for a while now - pure brilliance!

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  6. Very funny. Each segment was a real attention grabber!

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  7. Too funny! Am I the only woman in the world who hasn't read that book? I even saw a reference to it in the comics page in the morning paper.

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  8. That was the best parody of 50 Shades, I've ever read.

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  9. I'm going to get this for Xmas for a friend who is a Fifty Shades fan :O)

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  10. Oh, I need to get out to the shed, pronto.

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  11. Now THIS I want to read. I don't know when I've laughed so hard!

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