Relationships

 

Relationships

It was interesting to read comments on yesterday’s post. They pre-empted much of today’s post, but repetition and labouring a point have never stopped me in the past!

When I was growing up it was common for children to have less interaction with adults who were not part of the family. It was not a case of being seen but not heard, as in Victorian times, but children were not expected to participate in conversations unless invited to do so, and then it was a case of answering questions politely and not advancing ideas of one’s own.

If adults were addressed by children, it was as Mr or Mrs followed by the surname. Adult family friends might be called Auntie or Uncle. My parents were so busy trying to keep a small business afloat that they rarely had time to see old friends. Regular customers often became friends in a stratified sense, but given names were never used, even if visits were made to each other’s homes. I remember still Mrs Trimm, whose husband was in business, and Mrs Shearer, a rather lonely lady who had a lot of problems and depended on my parents for kindness and support. Miss Spriggs was an elegant lady, in whom I was in awe. Captain ? had been a Japanese prisoner of war and was accorded much respect.

I don’t remember honorary Aunties and Uncles and had no aunts and uncles to call my own. My only uncle lived in Canada. I met him once, and I never met my only cousin, his daughter.

As our parents grew older, it became apparent that the number of people addressing them by their first names was dwindling. In vain they tried to encourage us to change the habits of a lifetime and call them by their names, but it was difficult. I did manage to start calling my mother-in-law by her first name and continued that for the rest of her life.

My sister was fifteen years older than me, and I became an aunt when I was eleven years old. Of course, I was never going to be Auntie Janice, so my nieces and nephews called me Janice, or variations of that – Danice was a regular one.

Why do we persist with relationship titles? I have known children who call their parents by their given names and that makes sense, for that is what they hear their parents call each other. Auntie and Uncle sound strange to me on a child’s tongue because it was something with which I was unfamiliar. I had no living grandparents, either, so that was another relationship with which I had no experience.

If we insist on those titles, and some do, why do we not call our spouses Husband or Wife, and encourage children to call each other Cousin, or Sister, or Brother? What about Great-Aunt, Great-Grandfather, Second Cousin, Brother-in-law?

It is a matter of respect, it is claimed, but respect is something that must be earned, not given as of right. My youngest daughter attended a Quaker secondary school, where everyone was addressed by their first names – staff, students, governors, parents (though a few parents kicked hard against it!) There was no lack of respect for those who deserved it, and a healthy disregard for those who didn’t.

Long before I married, I decided that I never wanted to be called ‘Grandma.’ I didn’t ever want to reach a stage in life when no-one called me by my name. The battle is still fought in some quarters of my family. The grandchildren have reached a compromise with their mother. They address me by my name, and refer to me as ‘Grandma’ when  they speak to her.

Strangely enough, the one who is uncomfortable with my decision does not allow herself to be called Grandma, either. She has chosen Oma, the German form for Grandmother, but pronounces it differently. Her children, all now parents, encourage their children to use Auntie and Uncle, and I don’t know what adult friends are called. It’s confusing.

I like the Danish form of grandparental nomenclature. Mormor is the maternal grandmother – Mother’s mother - and Morfar is the mother’s father. Farmor is father’s mother and Farfar is the paternal grandfather. That’s straightforward. It doesn’t sound quite so easy in English, though - Mummum and Mumdad, Dadmum and Daddad, for example.

Perhaps we should adopt the Quaker custom and refer to everyone as ‘Friend.’

Perhaps I am out of step with everyone else, as usual.