Patience is a virtue . . .

You may have seen this before but it’s new to me and I’m still chuckling. Listen for the giggling from the woman video-taping this event.

Non-pc tax return

Tax Return

At this time of year we are engaged in filing our tax returns. It's boring and frustrating in equal degrees and so a little humour goes a long way. The following arrived in our email this morning and caused some mirth.

A man in Evesham has just had his Tax Return rejected by HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs) because he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, 'Do you have anyone dependant on you?' the man wrote:-

'2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 649 self- serving lying ponces in our Parliament and the entire European Commission.'

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was, 'Who did I miss out?'

The Fifteenth Blog of Augustus Lazarus Cooke (Gus)

The Fifteenth Blog of Augustus Lazarus Cooke (Gus)

Hello everyone!

We are all very sad today. Mr Human took Winston to see Nadia-the-Vet ‘cos she knows all about cats and she gave him an injection to make him feel better and she said he could come home on Wednesday. Everyone thought he was getting better but he wasn’t and he died in the night. He was nearly six, so not very old, though older than me and Bertie. Bertie will miss him ‘cos Winston liked to lick his nose and ears and Bertie liked licking Winston.

It feels very strange in our house right now ‘cos Mrs H has gone to stay with Susannah and Frazzle and Mr H has gone out to meet some friends. He took us for a nice walk first and he said he wouldn’t be long so I expect we shall sleep ‘til he gets back.

I think something exciting is happening next week – something to do with Santa Paws? Anyway, we all hope you all have a lovely time, whatever you’re doing. I shan’t blog again until the Noo Ear.

Be good!

Hwyl fawr am nawr! (That’s Welsh for ‘Goodbye for now!’)

Dogs driving in New Zealand

As a way of showing people how intelligent rescue dogs can be a New Zealand charity has taught dogs to drive and filmed them.

I hope you can all see it - it's amazing!

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20614593

A New Baby and a New Book

A new baby and a new book

Thibié at one hour old

My daughter’s baby was born yesterday at 2:06 pm. He’s a healthy 8lb 4oz beautiful boy and as yet unnamed. The names Susannah and Nick favoured before he was born don’t seem to ‘fit’ him but I’m sure they’ll find something to suit very soon. I call him Thibié - that is, TBA - To Be Announced!

We’re hoping to go and see him in the next couple of days, though we may wait until mother and baby are at home. Susannah is feeling done in after a Caesarean section and barely able to stand up so doesn’t want to see anyone other than Nick until she’s stronger. I remember that feeling so well and at least I can reassure her it is all completely normal and she will improve little by little each day.

Thibié at twenty-four hours old

Meanwhile, the previous day, and after much work as an amateur compositor (!) by my husband, my first novel was published on Amazon. ‘The Sweets and the Bitters of Love’ is in Kindle format and is available free for loan to Prime customers, or can be purchased at the exorbitant price of £0.77/$1.23. Do go and have a look if you’re curious and maybe even read it and write a review.

If you find yourself wondering about the author’s name, Jane Hartley May, the reason is that my mother wanted to call me Jane but couldn’t because my surname was Mayne – Jane Mayne – you can imagine I would soon have become Plain Jane Mayne – so she called me Janice. To honour her I took her preferred choice of name and added her maiden name to it and shortened Mayne to May, so there you have it – Jane Hartley May.

Winston's November 2012 blog

Winston’s November 2012 blog

Winston here . . . p’rrrrr . . . p’rrrrr

You may have heard I’ve been under the weather. I’ve always wondered about that – how can you be under the weather? Surely you can only be in it? Anyway,

 that’s what the humans say, don’tcha know. It means I’ve been poorly, not richly 
like what I usually am.

Phil-the-Vet says it’s probably been building up for a long time ‘cos if it had come on suddenly, I’d be flat. (I don’t know what ‘it’ is, though.*) At least I think he said flat and not fat. I’m not fat – well, I’m thinner than I was. I haven’t been eating much – the food smelt as good as it always does but I only wanted to sniff it and eat a little. When I stopped eating completely, on Saturday, Mrs Human took me to see the vet. It was one I haven’t seen before and I was a bit disappointed ‘cos I thought I was going to see Nadia-the-Vet or Kate-the-Vet and I like them ‘cos they always talk to me and make a fuss of me.

Well, the vet had a good look at me and then he made me cry ‘cos he hurt me. Mrs H said he didn’t mean to – he was just trying to find out what was wrong. He took my temperature – and you know what that means – but I didn’t wriggle too much. Then he said I had a fever and he was going to make me a pin-cushion. I didn’t know what that was but I think I do now. It means having pins pushed into you and he did one, then more than one and then more than one again but I was a good boy and I didn’t struggle.

Then he said I had to go back ‘cos they wanted some of my blood. I think I need all my blood for me, akcherly, but no-one asks me. So then I saw Phil-the-Vet and he shaved off some of my fur – I might need a scarf if it gets cold.

I think Phil-the-Vet likes me ‘cos he rang up my Humans and said he wanted to see me again today. I think I had to take a test ‘cos he said I’d failed it or I had failure or something, don’tcha know.

Last night my Humans put my litter tray in the conservatory and shut the door so I couldn’t get to it. What was that all about? It’s a good thing I wasn’t caught short, don’tcha know. This morning Mr H took me to see Phil-the-Vet again and he shaved off some more fur. I’ll be bald soon! Then he took me away and let me go in a litter tray. Phew! What a relief!

After that he stuck a pin in me, too. What is it with these vets? Are they trying to prove something?

Anyway, I am feeling much better though the Humans say I’m not quite myself. I think that’s funny – if I’m not myself who am I?

 I’ve got some special food and every time I eat the Humans get all excited and say how good it is to see me eating. Humans are funny, aren’t they? I mean, it’s not as if they’ve never seen me eat before.

I have to have tablets once a day and more than once a day for lots of days and then I’m going to spend a day with the vets. I expect I’ll like that ‘cos I’ll get lots of fuss made of me and I do like a nice cuddle.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Time for a zizz. Be good!

TTFN

*Servant Editor’s note: ‘it’ is renal failure

Fifty Sheds of Grey

50 Sheds of Gray

The novel ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts:-

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall . . . but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. ‘I'm yours for the night,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando's.
               *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
               *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
              *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Put on this rubber suit and mask,’ I instructed, calmly. 

‘Mmmm, kinky!’ she purred. 

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.’
            *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘I'm a very naughty girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ 

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ‘Harder!’ 

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?’

    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Are you sure you can take the pain?’ she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 

‘I think so,’ I gulped.

 ‘Here we go, then,’ she said, and showed me the receipt.
               *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Hurt me!’ she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
‘Very well,’ I replied. ‘You've got fat ankles and no dress sense.’
             *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Are you sure you want this?’ I asked. ‘When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.’ 

She nodded. 

‘Okay,’ I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
              *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Punish me!’ she cried. ‘Make me suffer like only a real man can!’ 

‘Very well,’ I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
              *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

‘Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,’ she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

NaNoWriMo 2012 Final update

NaNoWriMo 2012 Final update

I’m pleased, nay, relieved, to report that I have completed the challenge. The novel itself, such as it is, is unfinished and needs lots of work, but I’ll get to that later.

Meanwhile, my daughter’s baby has still not put in an appearance – I think he’s far too comfortable where he is – and she’s anxious to meet him face to face. By this stage pregnancy feels as though it’s set in for life! I remember it well.

Winston has had a little excitement. He gradually stopped eating and started looking not quite right. He stopped playing and chatting – he’s a very chatty cat – so on Saturday he had a trip to the vet (he was seen by one I had not met before) and was duly pulled around, some of which activity caused him to yowl in pain. I was at the business end and though he flattened his ears he didn’t attempt to bite or scratch. He’s such a gentle cat.

It transpired he had a high temperature but the vet didn’t know what might be the problem, though he mentioned pancreatitis. Then he gave him three injections and we came away with antibiotics and pain relief. Today he went back to have some blood taken and hopefully we’ll know the results in a few hours.

Winston’s temperature is down and he’s definitely feeling and looking much happier though still not eating as heartily as usual. His voice is stronger and he’s demanding attention. He resists his medication but doesn’t hold it against us when we’ve been manhandling him.

The dogs have reacted in typical fashion. First they were upset that Winston was going out and they weren’t. When he came home they each had to sniff him all over. Fortunately, Winston loves the attention.

For some as yet unknown reason one of my drives has disappeared - the one with the photos - so I cannot add photos to this post. 

Off to look at some blogs, now:-) 

Pixie frog gets frustrated!

The pixie frog (Pyxicephalus) doesn’t have proper teeth but sharp tooth-like projections in its lower jaw which are referred to, confusingly, as teeth.

You can find out more about the African Bull Frog here.

Personally, I'd keep my hands well away from such a creature!

Speed Camera . . .

The Literary Cat

The Literary Cat

Winston decided to lend a helping paw for NaNoWriMo 2012

Actually, it was more of a helping bottom . . . J

Of course, it’s encoded . . . we can’t give away any of our secrets!

NaNoWriMo 2012 update

A quick update - I have now written 35129 words so I’ve less than 15000 words to spin. Now, so long as my grandson doesn’t appear in the next few days – he’s due tomorrow – I’m on target to finish on November 27^th (my son’s birthday!)

This is a significant improvement from a couple of weeks ago when I was destined to finish in January 2013 – that would have been a bit late, reallyJ

NaNoWriMo 2012

I had decided I was not going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year and then - flibbertigibbet that I am - I decided on the spur of the moment that I would take part. And so I am - taking part, that is. 

I started last night - five days after the starting date - and I wrote one word, the title. Yes, folks, my oeuvre was to be called 'Missing.' I had no idea who or what was to be missing, for how long, or why, and whether it was ever to be found again. Would it be contemporary, historical, tragic accident or crime? I did not know - not a clue.

This morning I deleted the title and started again - well, started, really - and I've written 894 words. Only another 49106 to go and so far there's no title  . . . and no end in sight. If you hear strangled screams coming from the southern part of the UK don't worry - I shall be enacting something . . . possibly.