Relax!

 

Relax!

 

I came across this from seven years ago. It made me smile then and it made me smile again today.

 

More humour

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A:  A stick.

 Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A:  A nervous wreck.

 

Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

A: They haven’t got the guts.

 

Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

 

 

Humour

 Couriers are well known for leaving deliveries in odd places - thrown over a wall, tossed into a hedge - the 'designated safe places' are not always respected.

Q: Which is fastest, hot or cold?

A: Hot, because you can catch cold.

 

Q: What ring is square?

A: A boxing ring.

 

Q: What’s the best way to stop food going bad?

A: Eat it.

 

Q: Why was six scared of seven?

A: Because seven eight nine.

 

Q: What goes up, but never comes down?

A: Your age.

 

I like the next one:

Q: What do you give a man who has everything?

A: Antibiotics.

 

The last one is probably my favourite, for today. Yes, there will be more at some point . . .

Q: Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

A: They have two left feet.

Paulette Huntinova

These made me smile - I love watching gymnastics!

This made me smile

This made me smile. 

I suppose Great Grandma would be a candlestick phone and Great Great Grandma would be a Morse code key or semaphore flags!

Not enough drama in your life?

Not enough drama in your life? Try this . . . Not so quiet Belgians;-)

For music-loving dogs and dog-loving musicians everywhere!

Susannah just sent this clip to us. I love the way the dog pants and nods its head in time to the music!

How Not to Write a Novel

‘How Not to Write a Novel’ by Sandra Newman and Howard Mittelmark

I was given this book for Christmas and read it very quickly, laughing long and loud at many of the things the authors wrote. Even if the reader has no intention of attempting to write a novel it is so wittily written that it is a joy to read. Few books have the power to make me laugh aloud at every page and want to read out bits. This book is one of the few.

I recognised some of the mistakes as being quite pertinent to my own ‘writing’. I know I have a bad habit of airing my (limited) knowledge but after reading this . . . ‘The glories of the Calvin cycle, and the further intricacies of the Krebs cycle . . . were little comfort now that her husband, Hugh, had bonked that secretary, in an act of sexual congress whose origins lay in a reproductive innovation evolved in algae 2-7 million years ago!’  I shall be more circumspect in future.

However, some research is necessary in order to avoid writing like this: ‘The architect admired the way the building was crafted; it was all stone with curvy arches like an old church.’

How many ways can you say ‘said’? Like so many would-be authors I have fallen into the trap of trying to replace ‘said’ with another verb. The following exchange will remain in my memory:

‘Funny?’ she interrogated.

‘Hilarious!’ he expostulated.

‘Surely not?’ she doubted.

‘But how little you know!’ he exclaimed.

‘Says you!’ she objected.

‘That’s the last I am willing to say,’ he concluded.

‘Some listener you turned out to be!’ he snorted.

I could go on and quote more but would be in danger of reproducing the entire book. That would be plagiarism, wouldn’t it? 

Birthday card

This is the front of the birthday card we sent Elliot for his birthday tomorrow.

Image copyright Oliver Preston

The caption reads, "Hey guys, they've changed the sheets!"

Do not read if you are easily offended - or blonde - or both

With apologies to all my blonde daughters and granddaughters and their friends . . .

Blonde on a plane

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to return to economy.

The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.’

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.’

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should  have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, ‘You say she is a blonde? I'll  handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.’

He goes to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

 ‘I told her, ‘First class isn't going to Toronto.’ 

Humour at work

Barry received this email from a friend the other day. He worked with many retired officers of senior rank, several of whom he had appointed, so this anecdote resonated with him.

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Asda, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late but he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomising their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well, good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Would you like some coffee now, sir?'" 

Collie walk

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page. The first two dogs remind me of cats . . .


What do five Border Collies get up to when they're not working sheep? Well, they make their own entertainment ...

Play dead!

I'm sure many dog-owners have trained their dogs to play dead but this is something else! 

Cricket

Listening to the cricket commentary is one of summer's pleasures in England. The commentators are witty and wise and frequently bring a smile to my face. Last week I laughed out loud at one remark. Jonathan Agnew, commonly called Aggers, commented on a Pakistan fielder who was racing to stop a ball from reaching the boundary.  He said, 'Everything was moving fast apart from him over the ground.'

I was pleased that Pakistan won the third Test - they deserved it and I hope it will have brought some slight, light relief to that beleaguered country.

Retirement

This item was in our local community magazine. I don't know who wrote it so can't credit it.
'Working people frequently ask retired people how they make their days interesting.
Well, the other day my wife and I went into town. We went into a shop for about five minutes. When we came out there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. I said, 'Hey, come on, give us senior citizens a break, can't you?' He ignored me so I called him a moron. He glared at me and started to write another ticket for having worn tyres.
My wife then told him he was unintelligent. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first then started writing a third ticket for some other small infringement. This went on for about twenty minutes because the more we abused him the more tickets he wrote.
We didn't care at all. We came into town by bus. Now that we're retired we try to have a little fun each day – it's important at our age.'

Just a few howlers (not monkeys!)

On infectious diseases:
Control of infectious diseases is very important in case an academic breaks out.


On the importance of the railway in 19^th century Britain:
The railways were invented to take the weight off the motorways.


On the work of Margaret Atwood:
'The Handmaid's Tale' shows how patriarchy treats women as escape goats.


On sustainability:
Sustainability is about not ruining life for our ancestors.


Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Liver and cheese

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog were in a bar when a pretty Belgian Tervuren approached them and said, 'Whoever can use liver and cheese in a good sentence can take me out.The Doberman said, 'I love liver and cheese' and the Tervuren shook her lovely head, saying, 'That's not imaginative enough.'
The Bulldog grinned and said, 'I hate liver and cheese' but the Tervuren smiled and said, 'That's not creative either.'
Finally the Chihuahua said, 'Liver alone . . . cheese mine.'

Dear Canines and Felines

You know that we love you all and are happy to share our home with you. However, there are a few rules that you need to understand and obey if our peaceful co-existence is to continue.
1: The stainless steel dishes are yours and that's where you will find your food. The other dishes belong to us. Putting your paws or noses onto our plates or into our meals does not mean that you can lay claim to them. It's not funny and it's not clever so please desist.
2: The stairs constitute neither a race-track nor an obstacle course. We appreciate that you enjoy physical contact with us but there's a time and a place for such activity and the staircase does not fit either category. Besides, if you trip us up we might land on you and we are much heavier than you.
3: We have bought the largest bed on the market. We cannot afford to have one custom-made. In any case, it would have to fill the room to satisfy your individual and collective requirements. It is possible for dogs and cats to curl up to sleep. It is not necessary to spread yourselves to your greatest extent and then use your paws to push us to the edges of the bed. We spend many nights clinging to opposite sides of the bed while you snore comfortably in the centre.
4: We are perfectly capable of using the bathrooms on our own. We do not require you to chaperone us. We shut the doors for privacy, not to hurt your feelings, and you must realise by now that we do not stay in there for hours at a time and will emerge unscathed, given time. We do not need the incentive of your whines and miaous to hasten our reappearance.
5: You may not like the fact that you are not always able to accompany us when we go out but rest assured that you would not enjoy a visit to the dentist or the supermarket or the garage any more than we do. Barking, whining, miaouing, scratching at our legs or the front door will not make one iota of difference. Similarly, closed doors in the house are not designed to challenge your initiative in opening them so please stop barging them with your noses and paws.
6: Houseplants are attractive to the eye and the nose. They should not be treated as home-grown snack bars or personal sandpits. Similarly, we have carpet on the stairs because we want it there. When we decide to replace it we will do so without your instigation or assistance.
7: We enjoy your licks and nuzzles but please ensure that we are the first recipients, preferably not when you have just ingested tripe and definitely before you have attended to your personal hygiene or checked out each other's credentials.
8: We can hear the telephone when it rings. Howling to alert us to it is not helpful. Likewise, barking at animals on television is unnecessary – we think you know that and are just being contrary.
9: One final thing – when humans come to visit it is customary to allow them to sit on the chairs and settees. We know they are your chosen resting places but when we have cleaned and vacuumed and put fresh covers on we expect that you will take your unaccustomed places in the animal beds or on the floor. It's only a temporary arrangement, after all.

The law is an ass!

'I am ashamed the law is such an ass.'
George Chapman (1559?-1634?) Revenge for Honour IIIii
The UK is frequently judged to be developing into a 'nanny state'. There are many outdated laws which are never enforced. For example, London hackney carriages are required to carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats. This dates from the time of horse-drawn cabs, more than a hundred years ago. Some taxis carry specially manufactured small bales of hay in order to hold to the letter of the law. It is also illegal in London for a person suffering from the Plague to flag down a cab and no cab may carry corpses or rabid dogs.
Suicide is a capital offence! Presumably this only applies to failed suicides (but then that would not hold up in law!)
It is against the law to eat mince pies on Christmas Day. It used to be illegal to celebrate Christmas because it wasn't considered puritan enough. This was an understandable objection as it absorbed and ran alongside the Pagan festival of Yule, held to celebrate the Winter Solstice and the returning of light.
The idiocy of ancient law is well-known and amusing. What is more worrying is the way in which law is interpreted and applied in 2010. Myleene Klass, a broadcaster, singer and model with classical music training, saw teenagers peering through her window. She and her daughter were alone in the house so she grabbed a knife and screamed and banged on the window to scare them away. She called the police who advised her that she should not have used the knife to frighten the trespassers because carrying an offensive weapon is illegal, even within her own home. So we'd better all start carving meat and bread with a wooden spoon now!
In Glasgow, parents have been told that they must accompany their under-age offspring (that is, under 16) to the toilets in licensed premises. Do licensees think such teenagers will grab a bottle as they pass or perhaps they are afraid the youngsters might slip and bang their heads – or neglect to wash their hands.
Meanwhile, in snow-bound Britain, (Gordon Brown really has overdone his promises to halt global warming!) householders and store proprietors have been warned that they had better not clear the pavements in front of their premises in case passers-by slip on carelessly swept ground and sue for damages. 'Scatter grit, spread salt, use cat litter' you cry? NO – we have not had the training and more importantly, in this increasingly litigious land, we aren't covered by the relevant insurance clauses.
Yesterday many football matches were cancelled or postponed – a cause for celebration in my case – because the owners of clubs and managers of grounds are worried for the safety of their patrons. Schools have been closed across the land, though some are managing to soldier on, but the streets and forests are full of pedestrians with sledges and walking poles and the shops are heaving with those customers who have not yet slipped and broken ankles, wrists or necks and are busily stocking up with everything they need and often much they do not. Local 'corner' shops are doing a roaring trade and having to restrict purchases of some items – 'Only two loaves per customer, please!'
As Dick said, (not the Dick the shepherd of icicles fame) in Henry VI, Part 2, 'The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.'
. . . and so say all of us – or at least the Health and Safety contingent who see danger everywhere and no fun at all!
.

Cockney Alphabet

This form of punning Comic or Cockney Alphabet was popular in the 1920s. Here is the most common version with some variations. It needs to be read aloud to capture the meaning.

A for 'orses; A for Gardner

B for mutton

C forth Highlanders; C for miles

D for dumb; D for mation; D for ential

E for brick; E for Peron

F for vescence; F for been had; F for lump

G for police

H for retirement; H for consent

I for Novello; I for lutin'; I for the girls; I for the engine

J for oranges ; J for nice time

K fer teria; K for restaurant

L for leather

M for sis

N for a penny; N for lope; N for a dig

O for the garden wall; O for the rainbow; O for the wings of a dove

P for a penny; P for ming fleas

Q for a bus; Q for a song

R for mo

S for you

T for two; T for gums

U for instance; U for me; U for mism

V for la France; V for la difference; V for Espana

W for a quid; W for the winnings

X for breakfast

Y for husband; Y for mistress; Y for crying out loud

Z for breezes

More information on this topic may be found in 'Comic Alphabets' by Eric Partridge, first published in 1961