Squeaky clean

When I was a child I had long plaits.

aged 11

Throughout my life I have alternated between short hair and long hair, but I’m never really satisfied with it when it’s short. Currently, I am growing it again. Occasionally, I have changed the colour, particularly in recent years when I was persuaded that the highlights I fondly imagined were ‘blonde’, or, at least, passed as such, were actually grey and could not be described as ‘blonde’. Now, I have decided to ‘embrace the grey’ or some such silly expression. I remember, in my twenties, returning to college after the summer vacation one year and discovering that at least two of my friends had ‘gone blonde’, as had I. I don’t think it suited any of us but it pleased an inner desire to look different. I matched the Labrador we had then, but the colour suited Whisky more than it did me.  

Whisky taking a biscuit from my  mouth, watched by my niece, Pamela

Whisky, like most Labradors, would do anything for food!

In my teens I dried my hair naturally. To rid the hair of excess moisture, I would rub it with a towel, then shake my head back and forth and side to side, rather like a horse tossing its mane. If I tried that now I would probably fall over. These days, I usually use a hairdryer, simply because I dislike going to bed with wet hair.

I was taught to make sure that my hair was ‘squeaky clean’ by pulling my fingers gently down a strand of hair. That should make a squeaky noise, to indicate that all the shampoo had been washed out. A final rinse with lemon juice or vinegar would enhance/preserve/encourage blonde highlights.

Now, it’s shampoo followed by conditioner but even that is not simple. Is your hair fine, dry, oily, lifeless, damaged, frizzy, dyed? Do you have an itchy scalp and/or dandruff? Should your shampoo be paraben/sulphate/silicone-free? Do you require a guarantee of Beauty Without Cruelty (BWOC) or vegan? Do you want extra shine, firm control, thickening volume, extra hydration, nourishment? (Does hair need to be fed these days?Having established your hair’s requirements, the perfume must be decided. If you want to smell like flowers, there’s a shampoo for you – rosemary, lavender, geranium, rose, mint.

Tropical island longing? Coconut or banana, mango or papaya.

One of your five a day? Cucumber, raspberry, apple, grapefruit, orange, lemon, strawberry, blueberry, melon, cranberry, apricot or blackberry. (There’s even one for dogs called tutti frutti.) 

Nuts? Almond or macadamia. Seaweed, honey, including Manuka honey, tea tree and aloe vera are other alternatives. 

In addition to this the customer must decide between volumising or taming shampoos, and some will add oil while others claim to control it, whether it’s ‘fly-away’ or thick and curly. 

I fell to wondering about the expression ‘squeaky-clean’ last night as I stepped into the shower. One of the definitions I discovered this morning said, ‘beyond reproach, without vice’.

How could my hair be reproached just for growing? ‘You’re growing too fast/slowly. You’re becoming too thin and brittle. Why are you so grey? What happened to the bounce and body you used to have? You must do better.’

What vices might it display? ‘Are you trying to make me look old? Look how you’ve clogged the plughole/drain/outlet. Why must you shed all over the house? What have you done to my hairbrush? It looks like an untidy little cobweb.’

Imagine my hair’s response. ‘Look at the way you’ve treated me – all those nasty, smelly chemicals. How would you like it if someone blasted you with such hot air you could hardly breathe? Be real, woman, you’re (getting) old.’

Is your hair your crowning glory? Mine is just a mess most of the time, much like the rest of me ;-)