Monday 27 April 2020


An update to clarify matters relating to Covid-19

As we enter the next 3 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the top 30 things you must, or must not, do, say or think.

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not, but health staff absolutely need them, but probably not you, but we forgot to order any masks anyway.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open. The open shops can only sell essential items, but also non-essential items, such as clothes in Tescos, but clothes shops cannot open.

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not. You must wash your hands, but you don’t have to wash your gloves.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms. But we don’t have enough testing kits and so no one will know if you have the virus. You may be able to get the virus again, but maybe not.

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping, but it is fine to go out shopping if you need to.

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down.  If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, but you can eat snacks.

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can walk their dog, go shopping or go for exercise and be close to other people, but not close to you.

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home.  Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art.  If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking gin at 10 am.

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking gin at 10 am.

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted. We will only announce some of the people who die of corona virus, and no one knows if they die with the virus, or because of the virus, but don’t worry, we’ve got it all under control.

25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police.  People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus. There are loans available for companies that need loans, but companies cannot get the loans they need.

28. We didn’t need to order extra ventilators from Europe and they emailed the wrong person anyway, but we now desperately need British companies to make us lots more ventilators, but we had it all under control, trust us we know exactly what we are doing.

29. We must not politicise the issue, but will make a half hour political broadcast every day at 5 pm, which is non-political with only politicians from one party that are strictly not political.

30. We will follow scientific advice and do the right thing at the right time, but no one is allowed to know when the right time is, or what the right things are. And we didn’t follow the scientific advice to start off with but you must follow it now, but we won’t really tell you what it is now, but here’s a chart showing how many car journeys you haven’t made today and that will make it all better.

Hope that’s completely clear!