Living healthily
Everyone
likes a bargain and the possibility of saving money, particularly now, with the
price of everything in UK rising rapidly.
However,
it has been suggested frequently that cut-price offers on alcohol should be
abolished. Making alcohol more expensive would encourage consumers to buy less
and therefore drink less – at least, that’s the theory. When a big sporting
event is planned, will supporters who set out to enjoy themselves by getting
completely rat-arsed be persuaded not to do so if the price of their particular
poison has risen? I suspect not.
Many
people are injured or killed on the roads. Maybe the price of cars and fuel should
be raised even higher so that there are fewer vehicles on our busy roads. Wasn’t
there once a slogan that asked, ‘Is your journey really necessary?’
Breathing
in exhaust fumes or the particulates from brakes is not healthy, so if you can
afford to drive your super-expensive vehicle with its ever more expensive fuel,
it might be wise to invest in a face mask. This is even more important if you
live near a busy road, especially if there are traffic lights, junctions or ‘sleeping
policemen’ (speed bumps) causing drivers to brake frequently.
What about
the number of people admitted to hospital every year through falls in the home?
Eradicating stairs in houses, converting them to bungalows, or compulsorily replacing
them with stair lifts or compact home lifts would go some way to alleviating
that problem. Still, some people trip over rugs or find carpets impede their smooth
progress – bare floors for all! Hang on, though, people slip on tiles or wooden
floors. I know, make the surface non-slip or force people to wear suction
shoes, Spiderman style – affordable answers for those who receive a decent
living wage or pension.
Boiling liquids
are hazardous – let the people forego tea, coffee, hot chocolate and hot Bovril
and drink cold beverages, though not alcohol, obviously.
Hobs and
ovens get dangerously hot. The way out? Cold food, not meat or fish, as they have
to be cooked, and easy to tear apart with the fingers, since obviously, sharp knives
are unsafe.
As for ironing
– forget it! (I did, a long time ago!) Vacuum cleaners cam strain the
back, so it would be better to eliminate those, too. In any case, those
trailing wires are a trip hazard. Even battery-operated, rechargeable vacuum
cleaners are to be avoided, since back strain is possible with those, too.
Baths and
showers are doubly treacherous – the risk of scalds followed by the possibility
of slipping over in them, even with grab bars, means they should be avoided.
Aren’t there
an awful lot of overweight citizens? Put up the price of food – what? Oh, yes,
it is already rising rapidly, so perhaps the people will reduce their intake of
food. The more affluent will continue to gorge themselves, possibly.
Lack of
exercise and a sedentary lifestyle lead to poor circulation, heart disease and
digestive disturbances, so let’s dispose of all the things that encourage folks
to sit down – television, computers, books, board games, painting, pianos,
writing – endless possibilities here.
If you can
afford a house without stairs, cooking facilities, hot water and so forth, you
will probably want to make alterations, or at the very least, maintain it in good
decorative order. Wait! Danger lurks round every corner. Hanging wallpaper? You
might need to climb a ladder for that, and you could fall off – better not.
Just stick to paint. A roller on an extendable pole should do the trick, though
you’ll have to do just a little at a time – say, fifteen minutes a day, or you’re
risking neck and back problems, not to mention the possibility of paint
splashing in your eyes.
You may decide
to fit some shelves – ooh, careful! Saws are risky with their nasty, serrated edges,
hammers hurt fingers, and nails are sharp. In any case, the shelves will have
to be set low to obviate the risk of things falling off them onto your head, feet,
back – and you won’t need them for books, now, will you?
So, what
will be the purpose of the shelves? Ornaments? No, ornaments can fall, and
break and you might step on them, and cut your feet, even in your suction
shoes. House plants would be a pleasing alternative, but make sure they’re not toxic
or irritating to the skin, eyes, or nose, or harbouring poisonous insects from foreign
climes.
Everyday
house maintenance involves cleaning windows, dusting, polishing, scouring bathroom
porcelain, clearing gutters and a myriad other riveting exercises, all carrying
their due portion of peril. They’d better not be pursued – mustn’t clutter up
the hospitals or the graveyards.
The garden
is another area of danger; gardening forks can impale you, rakes may jump up
and hit you in the face, secateurs can cut off fingers as well as branches –
all potentially very damaging, so why not make them so expensive that customers
will think twice before buying them? As for lawn mowers – the work of the
devil, and too easy to run out of control. Worry not - ‘wilding’ is the mot du
jour.
Don’t
even think about feeding the birds. Spilt seed attracts rats, and they carry diseases,
but even without the rodents, birds carry salmonellosis and psittacosis, which
are zoonotic. Yersiniosis is another unpleasant ailment, even though it sounds
like something afflicting someone who cannot say ‘no.’
Let us
suppose you are doing everything in your power to preserve body and soul in the
best possible state of fitness. You decide to swim. Obviously, you won’t be
doing that on a full stomach once food is prohibitively expensive, but you could
still drown. It is possible to drown in less than two inches of water (if
you’re face down, obviously) so please ensure that the depth of water in
the pool does not exceed this measure. As you will then be causing great trauma
to your head and limbs if you attempt to swim, you’d better not! Next?
Running!
Long-term running wear out joints and it’s tricky finding the right location,
too. Pavements are hard and unforgiving, jarring knees and backs. They are full
of pedestrians, and will be even more so as fewer people will be able to afford
to run their filth-producing cars.
An athletics
track might not be advisable. Running round in circles causes vertigo. The
forest or the beach or the hills could provide the answer, but it’s not really
prudent. There are too many tree roots in the forests, chafing sand, or trippable
pebbles on the beaches, ankle-turning tussocks in the hills.
So, a
public gym, or leisure centre, as they’re so picturesquely called these days,
could be the solution. How do you feel about sharing the equipment and the air
with patrons you might otherwise cross the road to avoid> Too many microbes
and you’re bound to ‘catch‘ something and then you’ll be ill, which is what you’re
trying to avoid. Running can be disregarded.
How about
cycling? Obviously not! Just think about it. If you’re travelling on the
highway, you encounter the same difficulties as the unfortunate runner, and likewise
on the track or in the country.
You might
consider rowing, but, as with swimming, there is a distinct danger of drowning,
so a safe depth of water effectively disqualifies rowing as a pastime.
Climbing,
potholing, white water rafting and paragliding all rule themselves out, as do
all martial arts, sports involving close contact, hard balls, or high impact
exercises (it’s the joints again)
We’re
running out of alternatives. Tai chi chuan (the slow form) might be a contender,
so long as you ensure that the area around you is completely clear of hazards –
like other people practising tai chi.
All in
all, life is precious and must be preserved at all costs – or, at any rate, at great
cost.
I do hope
we can all follow the simple advice above and enjoy our safe lives as we proceed
slowly through our days, avoiding all jeopardy and each other.
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