Monday 8 May 2023

House rules

House rules for pets - updated

You know that we love you and are pleased to share our home with you. However, there are a few rules that you need to understand and obey if we are to enjoy a peaceful co-existence.

1: The stainless steel dishes are yours and that's where you will find your food. The other dishes belong to us. Putting your paws or noses into our meals does not mean that you can lay claim to them. It's not funny and it's not clever so please desist.

2: The stairs constitute neither a race-track nor an obstacle course. We appreciate that you enjoy physical contact with us but there's a time and a place for such activity and the staircase does not fit either category. Besides, if you trip us up we might land on you and we are much heavier than you.

3: We have bought the largest bed on the market. We cannot afford to have one custom-made. In any case, it would have to fill the room to satisfy your individual and collective requirements. It is possible for dogs and cats to curl up to sleep and perhaps you might consider trying it. It is not necessary to spread yourselves to your greatest extent and then use your paws to push us to the edges of the bed. We spend many nights clinging to opposite sides of the bed while you snore comfortably in the centre. Sometimes one of us falls out of bed. That is not amusing.

4: We are perfectly capable of using the bathrooms on our own. We do not require you to chaperone us. We shut the doors for privacy, not to hurt your feelings, and you must realise by now that we will emerge unscathed, given time. We do not need the incentive of your whines and miaous to hasten our reappearance.

5: You may not like the fact that you are not always able to accompany us when we go out but rest assured that you would not enjoy a visit to the dentist or the supermarket or the garage any more than we do. Barking, whining, miaouing, scratching at the doors will not make one iota of difference. Similarly, closed doors in the house are not designed to challenge your initiative in opening them so please stop barging them with your noses and paws.

6: Houseplants are attractive to the eye and should not be treated as home-grown snack bars or personal sandpits. Similarly, we have carpet on the stairs because we want it there. When we decide to replace it we will do so without your instigation or assistance.

7: We enjoy your licks and nuzzles but please ensure that we are the first recipients, preferably not when you have just ingested your highly flavoured food and definitely before you have attended to your personal hygiene or checked out each other's credentials.

8: We can hear the telephone when it rings. Howling to alert us to it is not helpful. Likewise, barking at animals on television is unnecessary – we think you know that and are just being contrary.

9: One final thing – when humans come to visit it is customary to allow them to sit on the chairs and sofas. We know they are your chosen resting places but when we have cleaned and vacuumed and put fresh covers on we expect you to take your unaccustomed places in the animal beds we have supplied specifically for you or on the floor. It's only a temporary arrangement, after all.

10: One final, final thing - not everyone is fond of exuberant greetings, so please attempt to curb your enthusiasm when meeting new people. Tongues should be kept under control and all paws should remain on the floor.


  1. If only they could read! (or even understand while we explain ...)

  2. Oh you poor thing! All that valiant effort for naught!

  3. We keep on keeping on . . .

  4. Most of your requests seem very reasonable and not too difficult to obey. But a large, smelly, snoring dog sleeping in the centre of the marital bed is unthinkable. The humans can't sleep properly, sex has to be negotiated via the dog, the doona cover becomes stained and you fell out of your own bed??

    1. Even a small snoring cat in the middle of the bed takes up a lot of room. However, all pets can be removed if required ;-))

  5. I'm so glad I have only one cat who dislikes visitors and hides under the bed until they leave. She keeps to herself mostly but shares my bed to sleep because it's the warmest spot in winter.

  6. Cats always find the warmest spots.

  7. That's well-compiled list. Hope it works to some extent at least.

  8. It's all exaggeration, of course ;-)

  9. Let us know if any of the fur babies follow these rules to the T. I bet not, as fur babies have their own ideas, don't they.

  10. I'm sure if we'd put up house rules for our Bess, she would just look at us haughtily and totally ignore them. If she could, she'd put house rules for us ;-)
    I've also got a niggling feeling that your rules do not make one iota of difference to your fur babies' behaviour, but it's the thought that counts! xxx

  11. Bess and her peers have their own set of rules, I find! x

  12. What are rules for, if not for ignoring?

  13. Oh how perfect Janice! And absolutely true! I think I might print this off in large letters & stick it on the fridge .... not that my furry friends would take the slightest bit of notice!!!!

  14. . . . but they, especially the cats, would enjoy making sure you had seen them ignoring the rules!

  15. Hi Janice - 'Rules' made by humans - you have to be joking??!! ... 'we' know they'll still love us, feed us, hug us and always admire us ... great posts - love reading them all - cheers Hilary

  16. We know who are the masters and who are the servants . . . thanks, Hilary.


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