Dog food*

                            The late Foxy, working Labrador, not greyhound

One day I was at the pet shop, stocking up on pet essentials – food and toys, that is, we have enough pets for the time being. Queuing up to pay, the customer behind me noticed the large bag of dog food in my trolley.

‘Oh, have you got a dog?’ she asked.

‘No,’ I said, ‘I’m starting my dog food diet again tomorrow.’

‘Does it work?’ she asked.

‘Well, the last time I tried it I lost 3 stone in six weeks,’ I replied, ‘And it’s so easy. You just keep a handful of kibble in your pocket and every time you feel peckish you eat a little. It’s amazing. I never felt hungry and I bought the Perfectly Balanced Nutritionally Complete mixture so that I got all the vitamins and minerals I needed. I saved a fortune on groceries and cooking, too.’

‘You said you’re starting it again,‘ she said. ‘Why did you stop?’

 ‘The side effects,’ I said.

‘Oh?’ she said, obviously longing to know but too polite to ask.

‘The first thing I noticed was that although my hair was really shiny, it was growing longer all over my body and I had an urge to keep scratching. That wouldn’t have been so bad but I was finding it difficult to get my leg up high enough to scratch behind my ears.’

She nodded sympathetically.

‘Then there was the water. I was drinking gallons of water every day so of course I spent a long time in the bathroom. Even when I was walking along the street I had the urge to mark my territory, so to speak, and then when I went to the doctor for my ‘flu jab, she asked me why I had gone down on all fours. She looked a bit surprised when I barked at her, then licked her hand.’

‘So that’s when you stopped?’

‘No, I was chasing a handsome Labrador across the road and a car knocked me down.‘

‘So why are you starting again?’

I looked at her in amazement. ‘I lost 3 stone in six weeks. That’s reason enough, surely?’

 

* Original idea pinched and adapted from elsewhere